I knew that coming home would be harder after having time away. But I was willing to risk it because I needed to breathe so badly. The beach was a sweet gift from the Lord that I can’t even put into words. We were all so physically ,mentally and emotionally exhausted it was the perfect place to let go. It was ok to sleep, or not sleep, talk or not talk. We took walks alone and together, read our Bibles and drank coffee on the terrace, dug in the sand, picked up treasures spilled up onto the sand from the mighty waves and we laughed at Ava’s delight with the the ” snow” or sand as we call it. We remembered the hard and the happy. We shared our fears and hopes and talked about the Sovereignty of God.
I am so very grateful for that time we had together and how the Lord perfectly provided it. I would do it all over again! I also knew that it would come to an end. Our last morning was one of the sweetest! We ate breakfast at a restaurant overlooking the beach right before we left town. It was early and we had the place completely to ourselves. It was perfect in every way right down to the amazing coffee. The sweetness continued as we walked back to the van and began to share with each other the different thoughts the Lord had placed on several of our hearts concerning our waiter. It was good to be reminded that even with empty wounded hearts, our Lord lives! He still wants to speak to us and use us to pray for and bless others. This is only possible because His Spirit lives in us. Without it we would be consumed in ourselves.
To deny we feel those things and try to pretend we are all fine ,all of the time, is a great disservice to ourselves and each other. It is in our weakness that He is strong. It is when we bow our heads that he can be the lifter of them. ( Psalm 3:3) He makes the deserts into a pool of water. (Psalm 107 :35) There is a beauty all it’s own in letting go. In telling the Father I cannot… but you can, you are surely able!
I have always loved to get away for a trip and no matter how fun or amazing the trip was, it always felt SO good to come home. However this time was very different. As we approached town and were about 45 minutes away the tightness in my chest became so tight I could barely breathe, literally! It took me by surprise. This is the hard part of transparency. Whenever I would feel fear or discomfort in any situation in the past, I would tell Alan and he would stop and pray with me and that feeling would leave. How Lord? How do I navigate this new road without him? How do I process the intense feelings I am experiencing without my other half? This place I’m returning to is not my home , he was! In a sense that is true. ” Home” is the people we live with rather than the place. It isn’t about the walls that surround us but rather the people within those walls. But our true ” Home” is Christ. We carry His Spirit within us wherever we go. His peace is available to us.
We must give ourselves permission to be weak so that HE is strong. We must be okay with hiding in the shadow of His wings. We must give ourselves time and space to be transparent, to breathe His word in and exhale our faith. To confess to each other, as I did to my children in the car as we drove and give others the opportunity to speak truth to us. For, something happens when we communicate our faith with others. We find our own faith being built up when we share it with others.
There is freedom in not having all the right answers but seeking the Lord for them together. There is beauty in giving up being “in control ” and watching your children seek the Lord for direction themselves. There is peace in trusting the God of the Universe loves them more than we can possibly imagine. That he loves us all more than we can imagine.
So, even though home doesn’t feel like home anymore, “it’s going to be okay”. Because, we don’t walk alone. We walk together! We will speak life and truth to each other. We will confess our weaknesses to each other and we will allow the Lord to be the lifter of our heads! He is able! He has good plans for us! He loves each one of us! So set your gaze upon the one who has your name written on His Hands. ( Isaiah 49:16) Walk beside each other on this journey to our homeland that is both hard and beautiful! Speak truth, speak life and love fully as we are FULLY loved by HIM until we are all HOME!
- Our son-in-law Adam Cappa’s song “Home ” comes to radio March 18th. It was one of the songs we used in the slide show celebrating Alan’s life. It’s been one of the songs we have loved listening to during this hard season and I know it will bless many others. To God be all Glory!