How to Move Forward

It was one of those mornings that was so hard to get up. I managed to drag myself up, shower and sit down with a cup of tea and the Word. But it was so hard and everything fought for my attention. Plans for the day and the weariness of yesterday. We drove 10 hours yesterday for a family funeral. There and back in one day because death is not on a schedule and we as humans tend to create schedules for ourselves. It was the first funeral my children and I had been to since my husband and their Daddy was called home almost a year ago. It was HARD. There are days when not just physical weariness but emotional weariness tear at us. Today was one of those for me. I struggle on these days what I should  do. There are so many terms you hear that are thrown around. “If you can see it you can do it.” “She believed she could so she did.” A throwback, “Pull yourself up by your boot straps and keep going.” There is the other side, escape,pamper yourself, retreat, self-care. Am I the only one that is confused about what to do when?
Sometimes we wake up in the morning with such purpose. The sun is shining, and we are ready to hit the road and do all the things. For me in this season, that means, writing and studying, caring for my home and children. Taking the time to listen to their dreams, fears and longings. It means pushing myself out there and making new friends, going to Bible studies and writing conferences and finding ways to volunteer in my new community.
But there are days when I wake up and it all seems too hard. I’ve had these days before when my children were small and their demands were endless and constant. I wore spit-up because I was cool like that. I sat on the floor and played doll house and took them on walks to the creek. I taught them how to read, disciplined their hearts, tried to think of just one new recipe for dinner and fell on my knees in prayer and worship in the middle of the living room because I felt so ill equipped for this task God had laid before me.
So these feelings they aren’t new and yet they can feel like it because they are dressed so differently. They are clothed in different circumstances and yet the feelings are the same. Feelings that life as we know it is too hard to do well. Or we just don’t have what it takes to do what everyone else seems to do, so naturally and picture perfect. So what do we do? How do we move forward when we are in the midst of a struggle of how to care for our hearts before we care for the hearts of those around us.
For me, it was to pause and ask the Lord to help me. Please Father, direct my steps for just this day and then I stepped out. I stepped out in the bitter cold to do the next thing. Just the thing right in front of me that needed doing. For me, it was some exercise and while I walked I prayed. The list was long and much of it we had been over before, the Lord and I. Remember this Lord, I am asking again? I know you must be working on it even though I cannot see because, you said,” He will call upon Me and I will answer him. I will be with him in trouble. I will rescue him.” (Psalm 91) Oh, and Lord this thing flared up again and I don’t know how to change this. Hearts are involved and I can’t fix them but I know you can. Even in the confessing the needs stretch out before me like a long row of broken pieces that seemed like they would take a lifetime to mend. Then I looked down and saw this lone pinecone. It had fallen from the tree, disconnected, broken if you will and yet it was beautiful! I felt the holiness of this moment that God would use a simple pinecone to draw my heart away from the needs, and back to the one who fulfills all needs. To remind me that while the pinecone is beautiful ,it was most beautiful when it was connected to the body of the tree, full of the life source of the tree. He reminded me that there are days of work and accomplishment and days of rest and care but the best days are when we invite Jesus into all of them to guide our steps, to speak to our hearts and to allow Him to do the pruning and create the growth.To stay connected to Him as our life source as He heals and restores and guides the future. How has he spoken to you today?