I have been feeling something coming on. You know that feeling you have when you feel like your about to get a cold. Well, I had that this week but it wasn’t physical. I felt it deep in my spirit, in my heart. (This isn’t fun beloved. However I told you that I wanted to be transparent for myself and for you.)
This morning I woke up and sure enough the feeling I had deep in my heart broke loose. My heart was physically aching. This was not the constant “I miss my husband feeling”, but I am pressing on anyway today feeling. This was a “I miss my husband and it is not okay!” feeling. I know that I am going to miss him today, tomorrow, next month and next year. All the days of missing him stretched out before me. I missed him with a deep aching inside that seemed to leave no room for air or breathing.
This beautiful time of autumn was always our favorite! We loved walks in our woods, fires in the fireplace, hot beverages, cuddling on the couch and it was the time of year we went away to our Bed and Breakfast. We went to the same one for the last 16 years, at least once or twice a year. It wasn’t until I had given birth to our fourth child that we decided that it was past time for us to actually leave them overnight and spend a weekend focusing on just us. I remember praying and asking the Lord to lead us to the place He wanted us to go. When we found this place it was perfect for us and had recently opened for business. We went at least once a year. We visited there for the last time 1.5 yrs. ago in the middle of Alan’s battle with brain cancer. We took our whole family then and by this time had become old friends with the owners. It was a special weekend including the engagement of Abbey and Adam.
“Isn’t your hope in the Lord, Tara?”
Yes, it is!
“Don’t you know that He is faithful?”
Yes, I do! He is my faithful God!
Why then this incredible sadness and aching? I think beloved that our Hope can still be anchored in Jesus, while we feel the feelings! He created us to have so many feelings; joy, delight, excitement, surprise, anguish, sorrow, anger, peace. We are not robots but rather people created in His image. The capacity He gave us to be able to love others also leaves us open to pain. That is what makes our relationships so meaningful! They are real and genuine
But this is what I also know. I know that I serve a compassionate God.
” Shout for joy O heavens! And rejoice O earth! Break forth into joyful shouting O mountains! For the Lord has comforted His people and will have compassion on His afflicted.” Isaiah 49:13
” The Lord’s loving kindnesses indeed never cease! For His compassions they never fail. ” Lam.3:22
I know that He has promised to be with me in it. He doesn’t want me to sink into a pit of despair but rather He gently takes me by the hand and sometimes, even carries me leading me through it.
” Fear not for I am with you. Be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
” The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you with His love; He will exult over you with loud singing!’ Zeph. 3:17
” Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For you are with me: Your rod and your staff they comfort me. Ps. 23:4
I may be walking through the valley of the shadow of my dear husbands death but my God is with me! Ever lifting my chin, to gaze up into His merciful and loving eyes. I’m still here beloved, I’ve got you! I’m going before you. I’m holding you together. I am faithful!
So now it’s my turn, to say to myself, ” Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil with me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation.” Ps. 42:5
” The Lord is my portion says my soul, therefore I will hope in him.” Lam. 3:24
Won’t you join me dear readers? I don’t know what your trial, burden or circumstances may be. But, won’t you join me in lifting your eyes to the one who promised to never leave us and kept that promise! He is the Great I am! And, He truly is all that we need. Renew your mind with his truth and let Him take you by the hand and walk you through it. He is able.